They've got the Zipper. That's where they stuff you into metal cars and then spin the cars until your guts shake, rattle, and roll. They've got the Tilt-a-Whirl. The name says it all: they strap you against the walls of a huge steel drum and then tilt and whirl it until you can feel your spleen splatter against your spine. They've got the Salt and Pepper Shakers. Once again, the name says it all: they stow you into these huge metal gondolas and then toss you back and forth until you can taste the bile in the back of your throat. For those of you afraid of heights, they've got the Ferris wheel: they take you up and up and up and then they turn you around and around and around. And for those of you who are afraid of just about everything, they've got the carousel, which stays firmly on terra firma and just goes 'round and 'round.
Sure, they've got a midway with games like the coin toss and the hammer smash and the dart toss so you can win a stuffed animal for your sweetie. Sure, they've got crowds of your friends and neighbors from Ann Arbor and Ypsilanti and Dexter and Saline and Milan. Sure, they've got cute girls and cute guys. But that's not what you want, is it, kid? I know what you want: you want to boogie till you puke!
[Originally published in July, 2002.]